Who am I

Today people this blog is about me, yeah Mumbles:

My life started out great!!!!! Everyone's beginning is great, let's face it the day you are born there is no stress, no bills, no school, no job to worry about, and most of all you have no worries.
Well then you begin to grow and see this crazy world we are living in. You have to remember, you know nothing except what you learn from what you see and hear. If you were one of those who was fortunete enough to grow up in a totally functional family, you know the nice house, new clothes to wear, Mother and Father home with you and spent time with you, and no kind of drug or alcohol abuse you are very lucky and don't ever underestimate how much that has to do with how you turned out.
I wasn't so fortunete, now I didn't come from a totally disfunctional family but we didn't have much money and clothes. My parents well Mom (God rest her soul) worked so hard, she was a Manager at a retail store no longer around, Gaylords. She would work long hard hours to put food on the table, no we didn't eat dteak, seafood, or caviar....we ate potato soup, hotdogs, tv dinners.....well it was food right? My dad, he owned his own Company and would get up every morning very early, 5:30am and be gone before I would even get out of bed. I would get out of school at 2:50pm everyday, and at my younger years had to go to a baby sitters house until my mom would pick my up, dad never picked me up!!!!! I would see Mom's cadillac pull up out front and I would come running, so happy to see her and to go home. Guess you wondering if I am an only child, no I have a brother but he is 6 years older than me and of course didn't want to hang out with his annoying little brother.Okay so now back to me being picked up by Mom. We would go inside the house sit at our dinign room tabl and just talk. We would eat dinner and yes my older brother would come in eat then back out again, Dad wasn't home and for years Mom would say, Dad is at work. I would go bed you know a reasonable time and still Dad not home...my older brother would come strolling in later, yeah we shared the same room. I finally realized that my Dad wasn't actually working 20 hours a day, he was working then he would go straight to a bar where he would drink then come home to just eat then fall sleep on the reliner. He would get up again at 5:30am and gone for the the whole day/night. Growing older and realizing what was really going on I saw clearly, Mom was holding our family together and supporting us. We had many problems but Mom tried to always make them seem okay.....When winter came oil heat sucked, not because it didn't work but because we couldn't afford it, so yes we went wthout heat. My brother and I would wake up in the morning blowing smoke out of our mouths. We got used to no heat and no air conditioning, finally when my brother graduated High school and his high school was a catholic school you know the kind you had to pay to go to, Mom paid for it too. He did graduate and then of course he wanted to go to college, hmmm just another very expensive bill for my Mom. Yes he went to College and yes Mom helped him pay, she paid whatever student loans and grants didn't. For me well just hanging out and trying to make it through grade school and high school. High school for me hmmm well I went to public school because we didn't have the money for a catholic school for me, that wasnt an option. Oh of course I wanted a high school graduation ring, yeah I bought that myself.....but I did graduate and now wanted to go to college......couldn't happen.....we had no money and at this point our family was so broke we lost our house, Dad stepped to the plate now and got us this house we now rented.....Dad and Mom had to pay rent, utility bills, you know the normal life bills to survive. So for me no college rather get a job to help the family. I did that Diver Chevrolet, mechanic......yes I made oaky money and all but not really what I wanted to do but it worked I guess. Well things took a turn for the worse....Mom got real sick fever 105 degrees no one around to take care of her but me....yeah me....like I knew what to do. I paniced as she worsened through the nigh, I kept calling the bar for my Dad at least 10x it got to the point where the bar maid would say, it's your son, I could hear my dad say tell him I left.....finally at approx. 2:30am my dad came home and intoxicated....he went tothe bathroom and placed cool compresses on her head but the fever didn't come down. She was awake all night and so was I next to her worried to death she would be alright.....my dad....sleeping! My brother not around living in a college dorm. Well my Mom ending up being diagnosed with MS and things got worse....now she couldn't work, yep the bread winner of the house who kept us fed, lights on and running water couldn't do it anymore. Well as you could figure we couldn't pay rent so yes we were evicted by our landlord. Well now we were spiraling downward, we moved into the worse neighborhood in NewCastle at the time Duross Heights, labled as do wrong heights.....I hated it there....I had a car and the first night there someone spray painted the whole side of it, great neighborhood. The house was very small and basically so run down dusty, moldy ugh! it was haoorible and not good for my Mom's condition. My Mom-Mom (thats what we called my grandmother on my dads side) seen what was going on and asked my Dad to add an in-law suite onto her property and she would refinance her house to afford this. This was done. Oh and for my brother this whole time well he finished college then went straight into the Army, way to be there!!!! Well finally new house was done and Mom seemed excited to have something new for once in her life, she deserved this. One week after moving into the new house Mom got very ill, this time it was Cancer....My brother at this point was still doing the Army thing but National Guard, you know weekend worrier and during the week, he was a Police Officer, he eventually married and got his own home with a great life. Mom got sicker and sicker only getting to enjoy her new deserved house for really 2 months the rest of her time spent in the house was in pain and aggony and making trips to radiation. Dad would take her to radiation then drop her off, then to the bar, I would work then straight home to be with her. She was told by the Doctor she only had a short period of time to live, she got me, my dad, and brother on the phone and told us all she was dying.....yes my best friend was dying......she made us promise we would stay together as a family and for me and my brother to take care of my Dad and on Thankgiving assure we all spent it together....we all promised her we would. 10 days later my best friend, my Mom died. Wow, I was traumaized couldn't believe it.....She was such a fighter and taught me so much with so little rescources. She died on Halloween, it was my favorite holiday.
Well now brings us to current, who I am,,,,,,not real sure it seems as though I didn't turn out quite like she wanted me to, I have had more downs than ups. I try to do the best I can but never seems to be good enough...yeah foloowed in my borthers foor steps being a Police Officer yeah that didn't work out, Now I struggle day to day....I try to remember what my Dad did wrong and not have that happen to me....you know losing houses, no heat, not paying bills. Well to this day.....I can honestly say.....I really do not know who I am. I do know where I came from though and some great memories of what Mom had done for me to try to make it all seem normal until she just ran out of energy and couldn't do it anymore. Now I have to worry about Dad, all them years of drinking catching up with him and his health isnt so great.....yep back to worrying about what is going to happen to my Dad. Well someday before I get old and sickly I hope to find out who I really am.
Reflecting back to the beginning of this real story, I have only learned what I seen and heard, that is what made me who I am right now along with the teachings my Mom Gave me.

Well this is my life now......struggling,working, and just barely surviving. I am not an alcoholic nor drug abuser. I am a work-oholic...Barely make the bills and scrape by. No savings account....For my brother, very sucessful and no money worried, big house, pensions from the army and could retire from Police if he wanted to. He has two boys and a wife.

This was not written for anyone to cast pitty on me rather for a venting board for me that I can erase when I want to which I will eventually.....

Word of advise, Do your schooling, college, and anything else that will set you up for a good life when you are older.I guess being selfish isnt always a bad thing, I wasn't and here I am.........